Lots of thoughts. Little sleep. College.

Tag Archives: decisions

ImageWho you’re seeing in the mirror every day may not actually be the person you’re looking at.

But it can be; if you’re living for yourself, and not for other people.

We don’t get a whole lot of choices in life. We can choose where we go to school, where we work, and what type of apartment we live in. In college, they tell you the opportunities are endless, and they’re right. But what they don’t tell you is that your decisions ultimately become a giant domino effect. You’ll make one choice after another, and it’ll seem like this happened because of that, or that you have to do this because of that other thing.

It’s a sad concept really, to think that we can become trapped by our choices.

We do have some say in what happens to us though, even if in the smallest way. We can choose how we overcome our past decisions. We can choose whether we consider our choices to become our pain or our progress. We can choose our outlook on life, and we can choose how we spend our future days.

We can choose who is still in or out of our lives, and where it is we’re headed.

So you made some poor decisions along the way. Don’t think that means you have to keep making them, or feeling guilty because of them. The sooner you accept what happened and move on, the easier it’ll be to gain some composure and move on. Thinking about what other people are going to perceive you as? Stop that. It only matters what you think of yourself, and anyone else’s opinion should be thrown away if you know better.

Don’t decide things have to be a certain way because you’re not worth any better, or because you have to save face. You’ll never be able to break down the chain if you don’t try.

You do not, I repeat, do not have to be defined by your past decisions.

What makes life interesting is that we never know what’s going to happen. One day we’re going to class or getting our first job, the next we’re having a family or being promoted or getting ready to travel the world. I never would’ve though a year ago that I would prepping to leave for Africa, or that my best friend would be living in Tampa with me, or that I would be working a day job and writing in my free time. The reason all of that happened though is because I opened myself up to the opportunity, and if I had stuck around the things or the people that I decided no longer suited me, I never would’ve been able to achieve growth.

Maybe you’re scared of the opposition. Sometimes you have to have it though. The thing is, if we can make our choices in life, face the opposition and judgment, and still be proud of ourselves at the end of the day, then we know we made the right choice. For ourselves.

You’re not making choices for other people. For appearances. For things that no longer benefit you or help you grow. You’re making choices for yourself, and you have to live with them.

Remember that.


“I can live with doubt and uncertainty and not knowing. I think it is much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers that might be wrong.”

– Richard Feynman

No. I don’t know what I’m doing, where I’m going to be or when I’m going to get there.

I can’t plan things out days, weeks or months in advance when I don’t even know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I can’t give you a straight answer; because giving you something definitive means I have to follow through on it, and I don’t know if I can do that.

I’ll map out my days and my weeks and my months. I’ll have long term and short term goals for myself. But they’re constantly changing. Every day I wake up and have to revise my to-do list, my planner, my calendar and my white board; all of which are full of reminders that time’s in low supplyand my attention is in high demand. Even when I have time off from the madness that is the life of a college student, I still get trapped in the idea of having to wake up and ask myself: How many days do I have left?

The more people expect me to have a plan, I think the less of a plan I can create. I work better under pressure. Tight schedules, deadline writes, speed challenges; these are all things that get my thoughts going and produce killer results. If I’m given too much time to think something over, I procrastinate until the very last second in order to make the last-minute panic a reality once more. I can’t pace myself; it’s all or nothing. And while that seems like a nightmare to some people, that’s how things have to be done for me.

It makes coming up with decisions and plans that I still have time to think about that much more difficult. What if I change my mind? It’s hard to come back on something that I’ve already told someone I would commit to. Coming up with a plan means sharing it with others. Sharing it with others means commitment. Commitment means no turning back, because one of the last things I will do if I can help it is break a promise to someone, no matter how grueling or frustrating or daunting that is. I have to work under pressure, on a timeline with very little wiggle room, because I have to stick with my decision and mean it. And it’s hard to go with my gut, trust my instinct, and support my decision 110 percent when I know I have time to change my mind. 

So there you have it, that is why I can’t make any sort of decisions right now whatsoever. I have too much time on my hands, and opportunities to change my mind. I’m putting it all on the back burner for now, until I’m forced to face it. This sort of thing will lead to yelling, last minute planning and rapid list making, but that’s how I operate. I don’t think I can explain it any more clearly than I already have; I just can’t explain myself. I’m wishy-washy and unreliable at the moment, because as of right now, I can’t even explain myself to myself. What makes you think that I can explain myself to other people?

I’m just going to keep going, and let the cards fall where they may. It’s all I can do for sanity’s sake.