I can’t even count how many times in the past year that I’ve been told by people that I come off as confident and intimidating.
Well guess what? I’m not really confident or intimidating. In fact, it’s all an act. Partially for other people, but mostly for myself. If I act like I am “confident and intimidating” long enough, maybe it’ll actually be true.
I know how to present myself in a professional setting. My parents made me learn quickly that if I wanted to be taking seriously at my age, I had to take myself seriously. And I do, I really do. But do I have confidence when I do it? As if.
I can accept a compliment and gracefully say thank you. I’m the humble thing to do, after all. Smile, nod and thank the person for giving you the compliment. People who know me well enough though may notice that my voice gets a little shaken up at the “thanks” part, and that’s because it’s just an involuntary response to whatever it is that was said.
Nine out of ten times, if you’re paying me a compliment, I probably don’t believe a damn word you’re saying.
I get told all of the time that I’m pretty, a good writer and that I can sing. I get told I’m a really good friend, a good listener, and someone who is composed and a solid communicator. People tell me they care, that I can talk to them about anything, and that they’ll always be here for me. I’ve even been told that I’m one of the top students in my major, and that I’m going to go far after graduation.
Graduation.
Leaving USF.
The future.
All of that makes my stomach tie up in knots just thinking about it.
Maybe it’s because I’ve only been in college for a year and a half, but it scares me to think that I’ll have to leave this place soon and go out into the real world and hope someone accepts me for who I am and what I do and hires me. The really scary thing about being a year and a half way through is that I’m halfway done since I’m on the three-year plan. I didn’t get a freshman year of screwing around and doing nothing. I had to jump right in and make every opportunity count.
I’m still doing that, and with every decision I make, every job I accept, every program I apply for, I cross my fingers, close my eyes, send up a quick prayer and hope that I’m making the right choice. Everything I do is going to domino effect on me and determine where I end up in the crazy place of grown-up-land.
And that’s a terrifying thought to try to wrap my brain around.
I’m excited for the immediate future: getting a new job, volunteering abroad and landing a new internship. I’m excited for my best friend to move out here and for my classes to get more exciting. But having to think about the part of the future where a line has been drawn and nothing’s for certain is absolutely unbearable for me.
It’s almost like having to drive somewhere you’ve never been before, and you’re in the car by yourself without a map or GPS or anything. Someone told you a few hours ago how to get there, and even wrote down directions for you. But you got sidetracked on a back-road, and one thing led to another and you’re left to your own devices because the advice you were given is irrelevant now.
They told you to take the city roads, and you took the highway to save time.
They said to take the left at the fork, and you took the right because there was less traffic.
They told you that you’d see signs and buildings and people, but all you see is the road, the stars and the mistake that you made when you decided it was best to go it on your own.
I’m horribly terrified I’m going to be that person trying to make up my own directions and get myself stupidly lost. It’s funny too, because I love road trips and seeing new places and making new discoveries. But I need a guide to do so. Last summer, on my road trip to Virginia, I was constantly check my GPS despite the fact that I stayed on I-95 for about 95 percent of the drive.
There’s no guide to how to be the perfect college student. Or the perfect journalist. Or the perfect 19-year old who’s just trying to prove themselves in big-kid land. I just want to be successful, to thrive, to be able to say that I’m confidently proud of the things that I accomplished while in college. I want to know I deserve a job after I get my degree. And what scares me most about the future is that I’m going to get there and still not know that for sure.
My outlook needs to change, and I’m going to do anything I possibly can to change it.
Driven By Daydreams 