Two weeks. Just two weeks away. In two weeks, I will be on a plane to take the journey of a lifetime.
I feel like with finals week approaching, one more visit home this weekend and my work schedule, the trip is going to sneak up on me sooner than I think.
I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on the past year and everything that’s changed. Looking back caused me to dig through old documents and stories, and in the process I found the personal statement that I wrote for the School of Mass Comm’s scholarship application last February.
At the beginning of the year, I had a very specific plan in mind for how things were going to go.
I thought that I would be spending my days working as News Editor at The Oracle. I would be living on campus, and I would keep my car so I could try to snag an off-campus internship at the Tampa Bay Times. I wouldn’t need any financial support from my parents, because I had a job and enough financial aid to survive. I would get A’s in all of my classes, which were finally starting to become more interesting and focused on the career I was looking for. I would finally get everything I was looking for.
Things didn’t go according to plan, however.
For financial reasons, the car stayed at home for another semester, and I ended up moving to and off-campus apartment that provided rent at a cheaper rate. I was working endless days and nights at the paper, and ended up resigning from the position after the first month of the semester. My grades were slipping, and Tampa Bay Times said they were looking for someone who had more internship experience. I spent the rest of fall playing catch-up, trying to figure out what it was I truly wanted out of my time at USF.
The answer had seemed so easy the previous year. I walked onto campus, and in a matter of months I was getting bylines at the paper, an internship on campus and even a Hearst Award nomination. I couldn’t believe all that I accomplished in the first year, and at the same time I couldn’t understand why I seemed so lost in my second. I guess you could call it a “sophomore slump” of sorts, but I knew I needed to decide what it was I wanted to walk out of the university knowing and being ready to take-on as a career, because the perfect plan I had for myself didn’t seem to fit anymore.
About mid-way through the semester, I had been invited to an interview with the internship coordinator for The Dallas Morning News, one of the largest newspapers in the state of Texas. I walked in with my resume, clips and a nervous smile. We spoke about the past year and everything that had happened, and what it was I wanted out of the next opportunity that I pursued. The internship coordinator said he liked me and thought I was talented, but that it didn’t seem like I have very much confidence in myself.
In the moment, I was stunned to hear such a bold statement made by someone I had just met 20 minutes prior, but I thought about it, and I realized that he was right.
I wasn’t very confident in myself back then. I had heard all of these things about how I was a talented writer and a good student, but I never really believed and of it. I had stayed at The Oracle as long as I had for the learning opportunity, but then it got to the point where I wasn’t learning very much anymore. My classes were challenging me, finally, but I couldn’t give the time to them that I truly needed to because of other activities. I realized that I wasn’t doing things for myself anymore, but that I was doing them because they became routine. I needed to find something that challenged me, but at the same time helped me grow and made me feel prepared to go out into the job market — a fate that was coming much sooner than I had realized.
So I took some time. I did a lot more personal writing. I talked with friends, family and professors about new opportunities to pursue. As time went on, my grades were back up to where they should be. Applications for jobs and internships were being sent out. My finances were starting to improve. I was starting to get everything back together.
Things have changed quite a bit for me since last fall. I landed a new position at the USF Alumni Association, working in the communications department. While here, I get writing experience for the magazine the Association puts out, and I also get to work on the website and even some graphic design. I got my car back, and my grades have stayed at A’s as we approach midterms season. I’m also a contributing writing for USA Today College, so in my spare time, I’m able to get national bylines that I can later put into my portfolio.
This summer, I’m planning a volunteer abroad trip to Ghana to work in community development, and I’ll also be a Peer Mentor in the Honors College to help out incoming freshman, and also make financial ends meet. As the next school year progresses, I’ll be able to take classes that not only interest me, but that provide me with skills I’ve come to realize I’ll need once I graduate, such as marketing, business and graphic design.
I don’t have everything figured out, I’ll make that clear right away. What I am finding myself doing more this semester though is exploring the possibilities that I have. I’m not confining myself to The Oracle, or to that one internship, or to that one place for a career. I’m realizing that I can go and do just about anything that I set my mind to. I’ve considered becoming a higher education reporter, or working in a communications department for a non-profit organization. I’ve also considered the idea of joining the Peace Corps one day, or pursuing more than one degree while in graduate school. I know whatever work I pursue, I want to continue telling good stories, and to be doing working that makes a difference in the world.
I’ve learned this year that I don’t have to limit myself to one specific plan to accomplish that, and that anything can happen. While print journalism is my true passion, I’ve realized that in the digital age, there’s hundreds upon thousands of ways to continue this career path and still remain relevant to my audience. Receiving a scholarship from the School of Mass Communications would provide me the flexibility to continue my education and see what it is I’m going to go after when I graduate, and give me the freedom to continue exploring my possibilities.
This past Thursday, I was awarded the John and Jerry Wing Alexander Endowed Scholarship for this personal statement, and I was shocked that I received such an honor. I will definitely help with next year, as my student loan debt is almost at the level of a really nice car. It also makes me less reliant on heavy work hours, so I will be able to keep a balanced schedule next year.
This summer after I get back from Ghana, I’ll still be writing for USA Today College and working at the Alumni Association. I’ll have two summer classes on top of two jobs and the writing gig, and I’m going to be busier than ever. I’m super excited for all of it though, because I’m pursuing a variety of different opportunities, and that means a variety of good stories to tell.
“Who needs to watch “House of Cards”? The annual USF student government election controversy once again provides more devious entertainment, rule breaking, plotting, cheating and deceit than even Hollywood can script.
I’m very proud of both candidates!!!”
— Comment made on The Oracle’s website in response to the article “Student body president elect still unclear,” 17 March 2014.
In a digital era where anyone who wants to publish their information can do so easily and for virtually nothing, a rising question that often appears is whether or not all the information presented to the public is accurate or not.
Sometimes, however, it may not be whether or not the information itself is true or not, but how we disseminate the information and whether our perception of it is accurate.
In “True Enough: Learning to Live in a Post-Fact Society,” author Farhad Manjoo explores this topic and explains a number of concepts that can be noticed in today’s media world because of how the audience perceives its news. One of these concepts is selective perception, which is the a term to describe when although the audience in question is viewing the exact same news story from the exact same source, members of that audience will still perceive it in different ways, and selectively choose which parts of it to believe and remember.
This concept can be viewed even in news on our very own university’s campus. Throughout the semester, USF’s student newspaper The Oracle published a series of stories about Student Government’s spring elections for next year’s presidency and senate positions.
This year, the campaigning became a little heated between two candidates, Jean Cocco and Brandi Arnold. A series of grievances were filed against each candidate, and Cocco had so many filed against him that he was temporarily disqualified from the election, although he won the popular vote in both the first round of voting, and in a run-off round. Cocco later appealed the grievances and was allowed to remain in the race, winning the spot of presidential-elect for the next school year.
Things didn’t stop there, however. The Election Rules Committee also appealed the decision to the Dean for Students, who sided with the decision that Cocco won the election. There was also tension within Student Government itself, with some controversy in the judicial branch and senate, which is still continuing to this day.
As the story progressed, everyone seemed to have their own opinion about what was true and what wasn’t as far as the grievances are concerned. While viewpoints and opinions may have been determined by student’s preference for a presidential candidate, the predetermined views reflected in the comments on social media and The Oracle’s website on the controversy, as students would either support the infractions imposed upon the candidates, or argue that they were a waste of time, as what happened numerous times concerning grievances made against Cocco’s campaign.
“Between the supposed errors on the grievences and the minorness of the infractions I find it absurd to dq Cocco. OMG a link is on the YouTube page and not the video. Oh geez, somebody is wearing a shirt in a printing lab. A long time friend and politician supports someone… oh foreshame. These elections are unamerican. What a sham. And to schedual the hearings when there is a Senate meeting knowing full well he is a senator…. Sounds like a planned mugging to me. There are many questionable things going on here. American values are being sat on here.”
— Comment made on The Oracle’s website in response to campaign controversy, 6 March 2014.
“All these grievances are dumb.
1. Who cares if the voting link is not on the picture or video? It is tedious to do this, and does the campaign get an unfair advantage by NOT putting the voting link?
2. A person is allowed to wear whatever he/she wants if going to the lab for personal things. You can’t penalize people for wearing a shirt while going to the computer lab for academic work.
3. Bringing a celebrity to campus: If the celebrity wants to endorse someone, he should be allowed to do so. So Charlie Christ comes on campus, and you expect the candidate to tell the former Governor of Florida that he can’t say certain things because it will get the candidate disqualified?
If the above are considered violations according to the rules, then the rules are flawed. Change the rules.
The purpose of having rules is to maintain a clean campaign and to prevent abuse. None of the above acts implied foul play.”
— Comment made on The Oracle’s website, 7 March 2014
There was also a series of comments made against the publication itself, with many users commenting on the fact that The Oracle quoted candidate Cocco in a story about the university adding Chick-Fil-A sauce to its menu after many requests from students. Many users perceived the quote from Cocco as a nod from the publication in favor of his campaign:
“Passive campaigning”… Look no further than this “newspaper” and its Editor in Chiefs silly article on Chick fil A sauce. Cocco just “by chance” is the first interviewee/random student asked about the lack of this condiment and is support. Cocco is a loser that I’m sure will not go away for the rest of this year and I’m sure the “editor in Chief” will be very negative towards the winner of this race.”
— Comment made on The Oracle’s website, 20 March 2014
“I just love the puff piece the EDITOR of this newsrag wrote about the lack of ” chick Fill a” sauce on Campus. The story started with an interview of a student who just happens to be cocco.. What a scam.”
— Comment made on The Oracle’s website, 10 March 2014
“I found it interesting that the EDITOR IN CHIEF of this “newspaper” found a way to slip a mention of this candidates name while “reporting” on the lack of Chick -fil-a sauce.”
— Comment made on The Oracle’s website, 10 March 2014
These comments show that students are suspicious of the publication for presenting a bias, but it also demonstrates another concept that Manjoo outlines in True Enough: Hostile Media Phenomenon. This concept is the belief that two people on opposing side of a controversy can watch the same news story, and that both people will come away feeling misrepresented in the story.
Those who commented on the story about the Chick-Fil-A sauce believed that the publication held a bias that was against their views and therefore was hostile towards their beliefs, but there were also commenters who believed that the petition for Chick-Fil-A sauce was just a fluff piece and a waste of time, so no matter what end of the spectrum someone stood on, people were going to view The Oracle as hostile toward their beliefs.
While the controversial election has come to a close this semester, the discussion on what should have happened and what did actually happen will still be a popular topic among students, especially those involved with Student Government and the media. Because of the coverage of this election, next year’s race will be just as closely looked at, and it will be interesting to see how Manjoo’s concepts can be applied to future elections.
I’ll be honest — when I found out that we had a field trip to the Hillsborough County Medical Examiner’s office, I was a little uneasy at the idea. My understanding of a medical examiner and what they do stretched about as far as seen actors and actresses play them on Law and Order.
Hillsborough County sees about 10,000 deaths each year, and about 1,700 of those come to the medical examiner’s office. The medical examiner’s office can run for two and a half days on its own power if there is an outage, and can hold up to 200 bodies in its facilities.
The facility was built in order to handle the growth of the county for the next 50 years, as the population will continue to increase over the years. It was interesting to me how intricate the planning and general infrastructure for the building was.
My first impression walking in wasn’t so bad, though. You could hardly tell what the place was from the outside, and even the front lobby didn’t look anything like I imagined. There were flowers and posters hung up in the administrative officers. Friendly staff greeted us, and it just seemed like any other ordinary place.
I learned quite a bit from the experience though. Dick Bailey, the operations manager at the medical examiner’s office, told us that the staff tries to be courteous to the people who visit them, because a lot of the time it’s not under pleasant circumstances.
Bailey explained to us the difference between a coroner and a medical examiner, which was that a coroner is elected and a medical examiner is a licensed doctor. He also told us that the coroner system would one day become obsolete, as cities are able to hire more licensed doctors.
A medical examiner is also the person who will determine the cause of death, and that an autopsy is not always run once a person dies. Basically, the medical examiner’s office will deal with any death that we see in the newspapers or online, Bailey said.
The public records available at the facility includes just about everything they do, Bailey said, unless it is part of an ongoing investigation. What interested me about the public records was that if you receive a death certificate from the medical examiner’s office, it will include more information than it would had it been received from Vital Statistics, such as the cause of death.
Learning that helped me see that sometimes it’s not what you’re asking for that determines what you’re going to get, but where and who you’re asking.
One of the biggest takeaways that I’ve gained from Public Affairs Reporting as a whole is that public documents and information are an invaluable source in the world of journalism and news writing. When writing about budgets and where the money is coming from in governmental organizations, this fact still rings true.
Preston Trigg spoke to our class on Monday about government budgets and how to interpret them, and while I had worked with budgets in the past with my reporting experiences at USF, I had never thought of a budget so simply before his explanation:
“It’s basic: money coming in and money going out. It’s that simple. Don’t over complicate.”
I was a little surprised at first at how a document with a myraid of headings and numbers could be summed up in a sentence. Then I began to think about it, and he was right. I looked again at the USF continuing operating budget for the 2013-14 school year, the one I had used last summer when I was reporting on the Board of Governor’s meetings for The Oracle, and the one that became a vital resource for many of my stories in months to come.
It really was as simple as I had been told: money coming in, and money going out. The budget also lists where there are increases and decreases in spending compared to the previous budget, a tool that can really be used to a journalists’s advantage when looking for information for a story.
Another insight about budgets that Trigg shared that surprised me was that budgets are usually created based off of the previous year, with the numbers simple being adjusted. At first glance, they’re not going to look rapidly different or show and obvious changes, but by looking through the information and making comparisons, there is a great deal of information that can be utilized in a story. In order to find this information, journalists have to understand what is it they’re looking at.
The biggest takeaway that I had from Trigg’s lecture was that as a journalist, you can’t be afraid to ask questions about the budget and what it is you’re looking at. The biggest mistake you can make, Trigg said, is being wrong. You can prevent that from happening by asking the right questions to the right people, and it doesn’t always have to be to the decision makers.
Trigg advised students to talk to people who are involved with the budget process but who may not necessarily be the decision makers. If you’re just asking them background questions, they’re usually less apprehensive about giving you the answers you seek, and it also helps with source building if something major happens down the line. While writing future stories with budgets, I’m definitely going to keep this in mind, and I think it will make me less nervous working with budgets than I was previously.
In the wake of USF Student Government Elections, it’s been an interesting time to learn about the plethora of public records that are available to political journalists who are writing about the candidates and the campaign trail in local, state and national elections.
Journalism professor Wayne Garcia spoke to our class on Monday about all of the resources that we can easily access online when we’re doing our research on political leaders and organizations — such as the Federal Elections Commission’s website and Political Money Line, a website that lists financial contributions to candidates and by whom they were made.
I was interested to find out that this information is so readily accessible, because I always thought this was something that candidates would be able to hide and would want to even keep hidden from the public. If someone donates more than $100 to a political candidate, they are required to disclosure their name and their occupation, which can help journalists determine who is endorsing who during the campaign trail.
I was also surprised to learn that one person can donate a maximum of $2,600 to a political candidate, because it always seems like candidates, especially on a national level, have a lot more money than what you would think could be generated that way. Professor Garcia explained to us the differences between “hard money” and “soft money” in politics, and understanding the differences can help explain why candidates are able to afford their campaigning materials. With hard money it can be easily tracked and monitored, but soft money can become more difficult to follow, because with soft money the origin is not as transparent and candidates aren’t required to report where it came from.
While learning about all of these resources, it interested me how closely USF’s Student Government elections follow a similar format. On the Student Government website, students can access records that list how much money the candidates have spent on their campaigns, as well as information on their endorsements and what all has been put into their campaign.
Even on the university level, the transparency in government is pretty high, which helps affirm Professor Garcia’s argument that as journalists, we are working as political watchdogs for the public.
“It’s our job to make [this information] visible, and that’s what we do,” Garcia said.
At the Fred B. Karl County Center in downtown Tampa, there are millions of records on file within the confines of the building, the place that collects, records, indexes and archives public records in Hillsborough County.
“There are so many things that are accomplished by this office on a daily basis,” JoAnn Constantini, director of the official records department said.
It was interesting to me just how many files are housed in the county center. In 2008, there were more than 90 million records on file, the clerk of court processed 1.3 million document pages. There are also 42 different types of documents that the county center is responsible for.
I hadn’t realized before hearing from the clerk of court that there were so many documents just in Hillsborough County alone. It makes me wonder how many there are in the state, or the nation. It showed me just how much the clerk of court is responsible for and the huge amount of documents that they deal with on a regular basis.
Another thing that was interesting to me was how many of the documents they deal with are still in paper form rather than electronically transmitted. With the vast majority of other government bodies that are relying so heavily on the digital age, and how easy it is to archive and locate documents when they’re stored in an online database rather than filing cabinets in a building, it makes me wonder why there hasn’t been a faster transition toward the computers. With the amount of documents the county center sees though, I could understand why the process would take so long.
The biggest takeaway that I gained from hearing from officials at the county center was that they said a great deal of public records come to the county center, and that basically everything goes through them in order to become “public.” This stood out to me because as a journalist, I’m going to need to know where to go to obtain my information, and the county center may not be a bad place to start.
Four USF students killed in wrong-way crash in Tampa | USA TODAY College.
The University of South Florida lost four young men in a wrong-way crash on I-275 in Tampa early Sunday morning.
The accident occurred at approximately 2 a.m. Sunday morning when a vehicle heading southbound in the northbound lane hit another vehicle head on. The four students in the vehicle headed northbound, as well as the driver of the other vehicle, died at the scene.
All four men in the vehicle were members of Sigma Beta Rho Fraternity: Jobin Kuriakose, 21, was driving the vehicle with passengers Ankeet Patel, 22, Imtiyaz Ilias, 20 and Dammie Yesudhas, 21. The fraternity is planning an on-campus memorial service to be held on Thursday at 3:30 p.m. in the Marshall Student Center.
Sigma Beta Rho posted a statement on their Facebook page on Sunday:
“We lost four honorable gentlemen. Our condolences go out to all of the families and friends that grieve with us today. We shall remember their lives and the joy that each one of these great men had brought to all of us. Their lives were taken far too soon. Take this as a reminder to never take life for granted. Let your loved ones know that you care about them now and everyday forward before it is too late.”
A roadside memorial was held for the I-275 crash victims on Sunday evening.
A GoFundMe page was created in memory of the fraternity brothers. The page was created to help raise funds needed for funeral services, and as of Monday morning, the page surpassed its goal of $40,000 and raised $45,000.
“Our hearts are heavy at the loss of such bright, energetic and optimistic young people who had promising futures ahead of them; to have their lives cut tragically short betrays our sense of fairness and security,” USF President Judy Genshaft said in a statement on the university’s website. “Now is the time when our faith and the support of those closest to us can sustain us, and should in tribute to their spirit of friendship and brotherhood.”
“Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we’re quoting.”
This morning I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do when I woke up, so I started surfing Tumblr for quotes.
Maybe it’s because I’m a journalist and a writer, but I love hearing what people have to say, especially the stuff worth quoting. I could go hours just sitting on the internet searching for words of wisdom and writing them down to remember later on. I have made collages for the walls in my room that are covered in quotes.
I wear a compass pendant every day, and when people notice it, they don’t realize that on the back of it says “There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going.” I love jewelry like this, they’re just simple reminders that I can keep going, and to me, that matters more than any gold locket or diamond necklace ever could.
What interests me most about quotes is that even though many times they’re pulled out of context, and they may not mean to one person what they meant to the person saying them, they can still resonate with people enough to have an impact. Words are one of the most powerful weapons that we have, and I’m drawn to them constantly. I could sit around all day just looking for quotes, in fact, I have done it before.
My best friend and I spent an entire day last summer making matching quote collages that we keep in our rooms to remind ourselves that we’re there for each other, even though we were two hours apart. We’re probably doing it again, even though I’m already running out of wall space.
I’ve learned so much about myself just from hearing other people’s words. I’ll hear something that I can identify with, and it helps me understand more about myself and what it is I want out of the world. And it’s healthy for me to do that, I think.
“I am a paradox.
I want to be happy,
but I think of things that make me sad.
I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious.
I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am.
I say I don’t care, but I really do.
I crave attention,
but reject it when it comes my way.
I’m a conflicted contradiction.
I just can’t figure myself out,
there’s no way anyone else has.”
Quotes are often a driving force for my writing too. I’ll start with something someone else said, and I’ll bounce off of it for inspiration. It’s the easiest way for me to start my journaling when I’m stuck, and it’ll always be my go-to solution when I have writer’s block. I’m inspired by other people and the words they say. It’s easier to write about people when you have something to work with.
It’s been pointed out to me that when I try to isolate myself and keep my interactions with others to a minimum, my life becomes “less interesting,” and will prevent me from keeping my writing going. While the interesting may be exhausting, and there are some nights that I just want to plop down on the couch and remain undisturbed, I know that’s not me. My favorite part of my day is coming home, sitting on my balcony and writing about everything going through my head, and in order to do that, I need the inspiration.
As long as there’s people and words out in the world, I will always have something to write about.
“When reading, we don’t fall in love with the characters’ appearance. We fall in love with their words, their thoughts, and their hearts. We fall in love with their souls.”
I’m starting to lose track of how many cover letters I’ve written, clips I’ve put together and times I’ve edited my resumé this week.
It’s internship application season in the School of Mass Comm, and anyone who plans on being successful post-graduation better be out there looking, applying and connection-building right now. All of this reminds me of my senior year of high school when I had to apply to colleges.
Make sure you fill out the application.
Pay the fees.
Send in your transcripts.
Write a kick-ass essay that shows them why you deserve to be there.
Yeah, I think it’s just like applying to colleges.
I’m realizing that with each program I apply to, I’m learning a little bit more about myself. When writing a cover letter, I have to ask myself why I’m applying for the program in the first place, and what is it about it that makes it so interesting and makes me think it will be beneficial? It’s not about the money for me (some of them don’t even pay), and I’m not even sure if it’s about the bylines anymore.
I’m looking for an internship because I want the real world experience, and to prove to everyone that I can handle a job in the professional work place. I want to tell powerful stories, present information to the public in new innovative ways, and to expand on all of the crazy ideas I’m being told in my journalism classes about where the media industry is headed.
Today in class we watched a storytellers presentation where the speaker was talking about how no one knows for sure where the field of journalism is going. People who say its dying are close-minded, and those who think it’ll grow beyond belief aren’t completely for sure either. But because nobody knows, the possibilities are endless.
To me, it’s kind of exhilarating walking into the realm of endless possibilities.
I like waking up every morning and never knowing what’s going to happen. It keeps things interesting, and being blind sided by the day-to-day can also lead to some pretty interested story telling. I’ve been asked a couple of times in the last week about what it was like being a Hearst Award Finalist last semester (top 20, breaking news competition), and I can’t honestly say that it changed my impression of that story at all.
What I do remember about the day that I wrote the story nominated for Hearst is this: I was sitting in the newsroom checking my Facebook, and the bloody piece of chicken photo was plastered all over my newsfeed. I couldn’t get away from it, and fellow students were commenting, liking and sharing that photo all day long. I think by the time we went to print, the likes were in the thousands and the shares and comments in the hundreds. It was crazy watching it all happen, and because it was the talk of campus for the day, it became a story.
I dug deeper on that story than simply reporting that students were pissed off. I tried talking to dining to see what their stance was on the issue. I met with the student who posted the photo to find out what he thought of the pic going viral. I looked through food service records, emails between dining and students about the incident, and parental complaints about why they’re spending thousands of dollars on a required meal plan for bloody chicken and poor customer service.
Through all of this, I was just trying to get a full perspective on the situation, and portray that perspective to readers. The 6 hour reporting process led to a front-page story that eventually led to bigger media outlets picking up the story, and dining making a bunch of changes in staff and policy that semester. Change had happened.
But the entire time this was happening, what I was doing didn’t feel like work, because it was what I love to do. I love seeing a good story come together, and informing other people of what’s going on around them. That’s what I want out of an internship — the opportunity to see good stories come together, and learn what it takes to make that happen at a professional media outlet.
There’s a fire in me to do more in the journalism field, and I am beyond excited and determined to fuel that fire.
I want to learn from the top editors, the groundbreakers and the Pulitzer winners.
I want to see my writing get ripped to shreds so that in the end it can later on become great.
I want to grow, learn and gain invaluable experiences that teach me a thing or two about journalism.
And since I want all this, I must keep going.
I can’t even count how many times in the past year that I’ve been told by people that I come off as confident and intimidating.
Well guess what? I’m not really confident or intimidating. In fact, it’s all an act. Partially for other people, but mostly for myself. If I act like I am “confident and intimidating” long enough, maybe it’ll actually be true.
I know how to present myself in a professional setting. My parents made me learn quickly that if I wanted to be taking seriously at my age, I had to take myself seriously. And I do, I really do. But do I have confidence when I do it? As if.
I can accept a compliment and gracefully say thank you. I’m the humble thing to do, after all. Smile, nod and thank the person for giving you the compliment. People who know me well enough though may notice that my voice gets a little shaken up at the “thanks” part, and that’s because it’s just an involuntary response to whatever it is that was said.
Nine out of ten times, if you’re paying me a compliment, I probably don’t believe a damn word you’re saying.
I get told all of the time that I’m pretty, a good writer and that I can sing. I get told I’m a really good friend, a good listener, and someone who is composed and a solid communicator. People tell me they care, that I can talk to them about anything, and that they’ll always be here for me. I’ve even been told that I’m one of the top students in my major, and that I’m going to go far after graduation.
Graduation.
Leaving USF.
The future.
All of that makes my stomach tie up in knots just thinking about it.
Maybe it’s because I’ve only been in college for a year and a half, but it scares me to think that I’ll have to leave this place soon and go out into the real world and hope someone accepts me for who I am and what I do and hires me. The really scary thing about being a year and a half way through is that I’m halfway done since I’m on the three-year plan. I didn’t get a freshman year of screwing around and doing nothing. I had to jump right in and make every opportunity count.
I’m still doing that, and with every decision I make, every job I accept, every program I apply for, I cross my fingers, close my eyes, send up a quick prayer and hope that I’m making the right choice. Everything I do is going to domino effect on me and determine where I end up in the crazy place of grown-up-land.
And that’s a terrifying thought to try to wrap my brain around.
I’m excited for the immediate future: getting a new job, volunteering abroad and landing a new internship. I’m excited for my best friend to move out here and for my classes to get more exciting. But having to think about the part of the future where a line has been drawn and nothing’s for certain is absolutely unbearable for me.
It’s almost like having to drive somewhere you’ve never been before, and you’re in the car by yourself without a map or GPS or anything. Someone told you a few hours ago how to get there, and even wrote down directions for you. But you got sidetracked on a back-road, and one thing led to another and you’re left to your own devices because the advice you were given is irrelevant now.
They told you to take the city roads, and you took the highway to save time.
They said to take the left at the fork, and you took the right because there was less traffic.
They told you that you’d see signs and buildings and people, but all you see is the road, the stars and the mistake that you made when you decided it was best to go it on your own.
I’m horribly terrified I’m going to be that person trying to make up my own directions and get myself stupidly lost. It’s funny too, because I love road trips and seeing new places and making new discoveries. But I need a guide to do so. Last summer, on my road trip to Virginia, I was constantly check my GPS despite the fact that I stayed on I-95 for about 95 percent of the drive.
There’s no guide to how to be the perfect college student. Or the perfect journalist. Or the perfect 19-year old who’s just trying to prove themselves in big-kid land. I just want to be successful, to thrive, to be able to say that I’m confidently proud of the things that I accomplished while in college. I want to know I deserve a job after I get my degree. And what scares me most about the future is that I’m going to get there and still not know that for sure.
My outlook needs to change, and I’m going to do anything I possibly can to change it.
Driven By Daydreams 