There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going.
We’re sitting at the gate, and the first leg of our trip leaves in about an hour for JFK. We have a long day of travel ahead of us.
I was shaking when it was time to check-in. I felt crazy; but I realized something: in all of my times flying, I had never been responsible for checking myself in. My parents or my aunt had always done it for me. The process was straight forward, I mean it has to be or people wouldn’t be able to figure it out on their own.
I knew I could do this, but the nervous ping in my stomach didn’t go away until I saw other people on my trip who we’re going with me.
In the picture above with me is Mery and Jasmine. Jasmine and I will be working at the same site together, and I’m super excited to get going. I packed some books and school supplies to donate, and hopefully I can put some of my mass comm skills to
good use.
Here’s to a safe flight!
“Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we’re quoting.”
This morning I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do when I woke up, so I started surfing Tumblr for quotes.
Maybe it’s because I’m a journalist and a writer, but I love hearing what people have to say, especially the stuff worth quoting. I could go hours just sitting on the internet searching for words of wisdom and writing them down to remember later on. I have made collages for the walls in my room that are covered in quotes.
I wear a compass pendant every day, and when people notice it, they don’t realize that on the back of it says “There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going.” I love jewelry like this, they’re just simple reminders that I can keep going, and to me, that matters more than any gold locket or diamond necklace ever could.
What interests me most about quotes is that even though many times they’re pulled out of context, and they may not mean to one person what they meant to the person saying them, they can still resonate with people enough to have an impact. Words are one of the most powerful weapons that we have, and I’m drawn to them constantly. I could sit around all day just looking for quotes, in fact, I have done it before.
My best friend and I spent an entire day last summer making matching quote collages that we keep in our rooms to remind ourselves that we’re there for each other, even though we were two hours apart. We’re probably doing it again, even though I’m already running out of wall space.
I’ve learned so much about myself just from hearing other people’s words. I’ll hear something that I can identify with, and it helps me understand more about myself and what it is I want out of the world. And it’s healthy for me to do that, I think.
“I am a paradox.
I want to be happy,
but I think of things that make me sad.
I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious.
I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am.
I say I don’t care, but I really do.
I crave attention,
but reject it when it comes my way.
I’m a conflicted contradiction.
I just can’t figure myself out,
there’s no way anyone else has.”
Quotes are often a driving force for my writing too. I’ll start with something someone else said, and I’ll bounce off of it for inspiration. It’s the easiest way for me to start my journaling when I’m stuck, and it’ll always be my go-to solution when I have writer’s block. I’m inspired by other people and the words they say. It’s easier to write about people when you have something to work with.
It’s been pointed out to me that when I try to isolate myself and keep my interactions with others to a minimum, my life becomes “less interesting,” and will prevent me from keeping my writing going. While the interesting may be exhausting, and there are some nights that I just want to plop down on the couch and remain undisturbed, I know that’s not me. My favorite part of my day is coming home, sitting on my balcony and writing about everything going through my head, and in order to do that, I need the inspiration.
As long as there’s people and words out in the world, I will always have something to write about.
“When reading, we don’t fall in love with the characters’ appearance. We fall in love with their words, their thoughts, and their hearts. We fall in love with their souls.”
“When two people meet, each one is changed by the other so you got two new people. Maybe that means — hell, it’s complicated.”
— John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
Everyone who I’ve known before this semester, met this semester, or reconnected with this semester has probably had a bigger impact on me than they realize. It’s been a crazy semester, and I’ve learned a lot of lessons about myself, and how to keep my head up and keep going.
I keep a journal that I started writing in at the beginning of the semester, and have been barely able to put down since. I started writing in it on a very exhausting night after spending three hours in the emergency room due to a long boarding accident. The journal had 150 pages inside just waiting to be filled with whatever thoughts were floating in my head.
As of last night, I have 45 pages to go until the book is finished, and my goal is to have it complete by New Year’s Eve. It seems like a lot of writing that needs to be done, but on nights where I do feel inspired to just pick up the pen and go, I’ve written upwards of five pages in one sitting.
I love free writing, because it helps me figure out my own thoughts. Because I’m a journalist, any time I’m writing on the computer or anything else digital for that matter (even text messages and emails), I get the inclination to copy edit, restructure, and generally overthink everything that I’ve said. Sometimes it’s almost like I’m censoring myself, and so when I’m hand writing in my journal, everything I’ve said is the honest to God truth, and I can’t get that anywhere else.
When I’m writing in my journal, I let myself say whatever it is that’s on my mind, and I don’t apologize for any of it. I’ll look back on the pages and reread them to familiarize myself with how I feel about things. Sometimes I’ll laugh at myself for how dumb I was just a matter or weeks ago, other times I’ll be proud of myself for the choices I made. Sometimes I’ll surprise myself with how I’ve handled a situation, and other times I’ll scare myself because of how close to the edge I once was.
I’m a pretty open person most of the time, but there are times when there are things that I can’t even tell my friends. Like that sometimes, I’m more sorry for my screw-ups than I’ll let on. Like sometimes, I wish we could just call each other up every day to keep touch, even with our conflicting schedules and busy lives. Like sometimes, how I wish I could go back in time to freshman year, where even as crazy as things were, they were also much simpler, because we had one common goal in mind: stay alive. Survive freshman year, and be able to prove to ourselves that we can make it in college.
Sometimes it’s forgotten, at least to me, that I still have that commonality with everyone still, even when we can’t find common ground anywhere else.
This semester’s been long and grueling, and as finals week approaches, I keep reminding myself more and more of that. I think back to last August about how different things were: I came back to Tampa thinking I was going to be working a completely different job, doing completely differently in my classes, and hanging out with totally different people. It’s funny how much things can change in a matter of months, and the kind of hell that I’ve had to go through to see those changes.
As things change, I realize that there’s people who were once a big part of my life who just aren’t there these days. And it’s not because I don’t want them there, it’s just about finding time, sharing interests and relatability and still reminding each other that we want to live and survive, together. There’s certain people out there who I just want to help them be the best version of themselves, and that’s how I know I truly care about them, even if it’s not completely apparent.
It’s traditional to have a New Year’s Resolution, but I think I have more goals for wrapping up this year on a good note than I will for the New Year:
- Try to reconnect with people who I’ve distanced myself from this semester. We don’t have to hang out all of the time or be conjoint at the hip as we maybe once were, but I want them to know that even though we never see each other anymore, I still care. I’ll always still care, even if I do a crappy job at showing it.
- Finishing that journal of mine, and reminding myself that I’m am entitled to my feelings and not having to surpress them. You can’t help how you feel, and neither can I. I’m not going to let people try and make me feel like my feelings are irrelevant, because they’re mine and I have control over them. My journal helps me accept, recognize and be confident in my feelings. It helps me figure myself out, and that’s why I have to keep writing.
- Accept the fact that I deserve better than I’ve allowed myself to accept this year. The year started off with me just getting out of a three and a half year long relationship, having to nurse my dog back to health, and freaking out about how I was going to make a new job, internship and 16 credit hours work all at once. Spring was stressful, summer was a piece of work and a long road of finding myself, and fall became chaotic, daunting and required even more soul searching. I got it in my head that because I was such a mess, I deserved a mess, and I’m starting to realize that I deserve better than that. Everyone does.
From all that’s happened this year, I know I can survive it, and whatever is still going to be thrown my way. So my goal is to realize that I deserve better, and go for it, no matter what.
It’s a painful thing that I’ve had to witness many times in my life — watching someone self destruct.
The thing that I have to keep telling myself over and over again though is that I can’t save everybody, and I think that’s something everyone needs to be reminded of at one point or another.
It’s not worth losing yourself and getting dragged down in someone else’s mess if there’s absolutely no chance of making it better for them. Sometimes you have to let people self destruct and see themselves for what they’ve truly become before they’ll come out of it.
And you’ll keep telling yourself “Maybe if I stick around, it’ll get better.” “With time, I can change them and help them see the light.” “It won’t be like this forever, I’ve seen them better before and they’ll snap out of it.”
Sometimes, you have to stop telling yourself these things. Sometimes certain people just aren’t worth it, even if temporarily. They need to see you walk away to see the damage they’ve done, that what they’re doing to themselves isn’t just hurting them anymore, and that if they don’t stop, the consequences are dire.
It’s a funny thing too, because these people may have been worth sticking around for at one point, and will probably be worth it again at some point in the future. You keep telling yourself to stick it out, because you know what they could be because they once were that person, and that they can come back to it. The people we care about often times have a way of coming back, even in the most minuscule of ways. But sometimes, that doesn’t happen.
They’re not always going to get better.
You can’t always rely on the light to come with time.
They won’t always snap out of it.
And you can’t always spend your days pining for those simpler times again. Because it’s very possible that they’ll never come back, and you need to move on to save yourself.
It sounds like I’m saying everyone should give up on each other when times get tough, but that’s not true. I’m a firm believer in standing by someone’s side, always. You have to be able to stand by someone in the good times and the bad in order to know the relationship is meant to last. But there will come a point where it’s not just about healing them; it’s going to become about healing you too, because you’ve become collateral damage.
Don’t become collateral damage. Protect yourself at all costs.
I say this because I’ve been that person before: sticking around for the long haul and hoping the other person would come to their senses. And for that reason, I spent my time with certain people for much longer than I probably should have. Because when I know someone’s heart is still there, even if it’s buried, I do anything I can to find it again. I pride myself in being that person who can see the good in everybody, even when no one else can.
You have to know when to walk away, because depression, angst and pain can spread like an infectious disease. People go through tough times and sometimes they try to drag others down with them to make themselves feel like they’re less alone. These people need help, and if you care for them, you should always make it known to them that you do care. And that you want to be there for them.
But you have to look out for yourself first, and sometimes that means walking away.
It’s funny how terrifying speaking up about your convictions can be.
You would think that it would be simple, because if you’re truly passionate about what you’re saying, the words pour out and mean exactly what you want them to, and you’re confident and well-spoken and feel like you’ve delivered a powerfully hard hitting message.
The sad truth of the matter that many people find though, is that sometimes it’s the words we want to say the most that are the most difficult to release from our mouths. We give ourselves all of these reasons why we can’t: fear, possible conflict, rejection. We worry that there’s more bad coming than good if we decide to voice our opinions, and we repress ourselves to avoid unnecessary drama.
I say this because it’s happened to me numerous times.
I always ask myself if what I’m really mad about is worth starting an argument over, or if it will just blow over and I can move past it on my own. I’d like to think that this makes me a fairly mature person who’s also very tolerant, but sometimes I also feel like it makes me a passive pushover. I pick my battles very carefully, and I’m the type of person that if you really did make me mad to the point where I know I can’t just get over it, you’ll know.
I can think of plenty of situations in my past where I shouldn’t have been afraid to say how I feel, but I was anyways. Particular situations that come to mind are with an old best friend and an ex boyfriend where I usually just accepted their criticisms and tried to rise above them on my own terms. I would notice everything that was happening, and would say nothing to simply avoid a conflict.
And that needs to stop.
I always hung out with very bold, outgoing and abrasive personalities growing up. I think that’s because I was much more of an introvert as a kid and wanted to branch out more. In turn, hanging out with these types of people did make me more social and helped me a grow. Now I’m one of the most outgoing people that I know, and my group of friends at USF are similar in that way.
Sometimes I brush things off that really should be addressed, and I’m getting to the point where I’m going to have no choice but to address them if they continue. I’m going to say something even if I’m nervous as hell, because I know that I’ll feel better in the end. Life starts at the end of your comfort zone, after all.
I encourage anyone else going through a similar situation to do the same, because you feel empowered when you speak your mind. People aren’t always going to like what you have to say, but that doesn’t make your opinions any less valuable. I think it’s healthy to have your mindset challenged on a daily basis, because it forces you to either stand firm in your beliefs, or to change your point of view and discover how you really feel.
So speak up, even if your voice shakes.
Driven By Daydreams 