“When two people meet, each one is changed by the other so you got two new people. Maybe that means — hell, it’s complicated.”
— John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
Everyone who I’ve known before this semester, met this semester, or reconnected with this semester has probably had a bigger impact on me than they realize. It’s been a crazy semester, and I’ve learned a lot of lessons about myself, and how to keep my head up and keep going.
I keep a journal that I started writing in at the beginning of the semester, and have been barely able to put down since. I started writing in it on a very exhausting night after spending three hours in the emergency room due to a long boarding accident. The journal had 150 pages inside just waiting to be filled with whatever thoughts were floating in my head.
As of last night, I have 45 pages to go until the book is finished, and my goal is to have it complete by New Year’s Eve. It seems like a lot of writing that needs to be done, but on nights where I do feel inspired to just pick up the pen and go, I’ve written upwards of five pages in one sitting.
I love free writing, because it helps me figure out my own thoughts. Because I’m a journalist, any time I’m writing on the computer or anything else digital for that matter (even text messages and emails), I get the inclination to copy edit, restructure, and generally overthink everything that I’ve said. Sometimes it’s almost like I’m censoring myself, and so when I’m hand writing in my journal, everything I’ve said is the honest to God truth, and I can’t get that anywhere else.
When I’m writing in my journal, I let myself say whatever it is that’s on my mind, and I don’t apologize for any of it. I’ll look back on the pages and reread them to familiarize myself with how I feel about things. Sometimes I’ll laugh at myself for how dumb I was just a matter or weeks ago, other times I’ll be proud of myself for the choices I made. Sometimes I’ll surprise myself with how I’ve handled a situation, and other times I’ll scare myself because of how close to the edge I once was.
I’m a pretty open person most of the time, but there are times when there are things that I can’t even tell my friends. Like that sometimes, I’m more sorry for my screw-ups than I’ll let on. Like sometimes, I wish we could just call each other up every day to keep touch, even with our conflicting schedules and busy lives. Like sometimes, how I wish I could go back in time to freshman year, where even as crazy as things were, they were also much simpler, because we had one common goal in mind: stay alive. Survive freshman year, and be able to prove to ourselves that we can make it in college.
Sometimes it’s forgotten, at least to me, that I still have that commonality with everyone still, even when we can’t find common ground anywhere else.
This semester’s been long and grueling, and as finals week approaches, I keep reminding myself more and more of that. I think back to last August about how different things were: I came back to Tampa thinking I was going to be working a completely different job, doing completely differently in my classes, and hanging out with totally different people. It’s funny how much things can change in a matter of months, and the kind of hell that I’ve had to go through to see those changes.
As things change, I realize that there’s people who were once a big part of my life who just aren’t there these days. And it’s not because I don’t want them there, it’s just about finding time, sharing interests and relatability and still reminding each other that we want to live and survive, together. There’s certain people out there who I just want to help them be the best version of themselves, and that’s how I know I truly care about them, even if it’s not completely apparent.
It’s traditional to have a New Year’s Resolution, but I think I have more goals for wrapping up this year on a good note than I will for the New Year:
- Try to reconnect with people who I’ve distanced myself from this semester. We don’t have to hang out all of the time or be conjoint at the hip as we maybe once were, but I want them to know that even though we never see each other anymore, I still care. I’ll always still care, even if I do a crappy job at showing it.
- Finishing that journal of mine, and reminding myself that I’m am entitled to my feelings and not having to surpress them. You can’t help how you feel, and neither can I. I’m not going to let people try and make me feel like my feelings are irrelevant, because they’re mine and I have control over them. My journal helps me accept, recognize and be confident in my feelings. It helps me figure myself out, and that’s why I have to keep writing.
- Accept the fact that I deserve better than I’ve allowed myself to accept this year. The year started off with me just getting out of a three and a half year long relationship, having to nurse my dog back to health, and freaking out about how I was going to make a new job, internship and 16 credit hours work all at once. Spring was stressful, summer was a piece of work and a long road of finding myself, and fall became chaotic, daunting and required even more soul searching. I got it in my head that because I was such a mess, I deserved a mess, and I’m starting to realize that I deserve better than that. Everyone does.
From all that’s happened this year, I know I can survive it, and whatever is still going to be thrown my way. So my goal is to realize that I deserve better, and go for it, no matter what.
Driven By Daydreams 