I can’t even count how many times in the past year that I’ve been told by people that I come off as confident and intimidating.
Well guess what? I’m not really confident or intimidating. In fact, it’s all an act. Partially for other people, but mostly for myself. If I act like I am “confident and intimidating” long enough, maybe it’ll actually be true.
I know how to present myself in a professional setting. My parents made me learn quickly that if I wanted to be taking seriously at my age, I had to take myself seriously. And I do, I really do. But do I have confidence when I do it? As if.
I can accept a compliment and gracefully say thank you. I’m the humble thing to do, after all. Smile, nod and thank the person for giving you the compliment. People who know me well enough though may notice that my voice gets a little shaken up at the “thanks” part, and that’s because it’s just an involuntary response to whatever it is that was said.
Nine out of ten times, if you’re paying me a compliment, I probably don’t believe a damn word you’re saying.
I get told all of the time that I’m pretty, a good writer and that I can sing. I get told I’m a really good friend, a good listener, and someone who is composed and a solid communicator. People tell me they care, that I can talk to them about anything, and that they’ll always be here for me. I’ve even been told that I’m one of the top students in my major, and that I’m going to go far after graduation.
Graduation.
Leaving USF.
The future.
All of that makes my stomach tie up in knots just thinking about it.
Maybe it’s because I’ve only been in college for a year and a half, but it scares me to think that I’ll have to leave this place soon and go out into the real world and hope someone accepts me for who I am and what I do and hires me. The really scary thing about being a year and a half way through is that I’m halfway done since I’m on the three-year plan. I didn’t get a freshman year of screwing around and doing nothing. I had to jump right in and make every opportunity count.
I’m still doing that, and with every decision I make, every job I accept, every program I apply for, I cross my fingers, close my eyes, send up a quick prayer and hope that I’m making the right choice. Everything I do is going to domino effect on me and determine where I end up in the crazy place of grown-up-land.
And that’s a terrifying thought to try to wrap my brain around.
I’m excited for the immediate future: getting a new job, volunteering abroad and landing a new internship. I’m excited for my best friend to move out here and for my classes to get more exciting. But having to think about the part of the future where a line has been drawn and nothing’s for certain is absolutely unbearable for me.
It’s almost like having to drive somewhere you’ve never been before, and you’re in the car by yourself without a map or GPS or anything. Someone told you a few hours ago how to get there, and even wrote down directions for you. But you got sidetracked on a back-road, and one thing led to another and you’re left to your own devices because the advice you were given is irrelevant now.
They told you to take the city roads, and you took the highway to save time.
They said to take the left at the fork, and you took the right because there was less traffic.
They told you that you’d see signs and buildings and people, but all you see is the road, the stars and the mistake that you made when you decided it was best to go it on your own.
I’m horribly terrified I’m going to be that person trying to make up my own directions and get myself stupidly lost. It’s funny too, because I love road trips and seeing new places and making new discoveries. But I need a guide to do so. Last summer, on my road trip to Virginia, I was constantly check my GPS despite the fact that I stayed on I-95 for about 95 percent of the drive.
There’s no guide to how to be the perfect college student. Or the perfect journalist. Or the perfect 19-year old who’s just trying to prove themselves in big-kid land. I just want to be successful, to thrive, to be able to say that I’m confidently proud of the things that I accomplished while in college. I want to know I deserve a job after I get my degree. And what scares me most about the future is that I’m going to get there and still not know that for sure.
My outlook needs to change, and I’m going to do anything I possibly can to change it.
“Real growth comes from taking chances”
— Charlie McCormick
Today I realized that I’m taking quite a few chances this year.
I told my father I was going to get through this school year without any financial assistance from him, and so far he hasn’t had to take out any loans for my education.
I started up this blog again, and I took a leap and told my friends about it, who have all told me they enjoy reading it. It’s definitely surprising to me whenever someone says they enjoy reading my writing. You’d think I’d be used to it by now.
I stepped down from my job at the paper and am applying for other ones, as well as some summer internships. I have my first interview tomorrow, and while it’s not my first and most certainly not my last, I’m shaking in my boots just thinking about.
(I really am wearing boots right now, for those of you wondering.)
This afternoon was supposed to be my break/nap time since I decided to be a good student and get all of my homework done the night before. Instead, I was shopping for interview clothes, writing cover letters and compiling a portfolio of clips in hopes of looking somewhat prepared for tomorrow afternoon. I always get intimidated when I have to talk about myself. I’m pretty sure talking about myself is probably my worst and most hated talking point.
And the risk taking keeps on coming.
I’m currently searching for any opportunities available for me to get my writing published — especially beyond the USF spectrum. I’m planning a trip to leave the country this summer, and hopefully will be in the form of a volunteer abroad to either Ghana or Belize. And with all of these upcoming interviews, that means jobs and internships that can take me to an infinite number of places. I’m applying for gigs in cities ranging from Tampa to Dallas to D.C., and the possibilities are endless with doing so.
I think the spontaneity of it all is freaking out my best friend a little bit, because I have no idea where I’ll be this summer or what I will be doing. It scares me too, but I know it’s something that I have to do. I’m taking every chance possible, and seizing every opportunity afforded to me while I still can. I won’t always have the ability to dash halfway across the country for a temporary experience, but that’s what college is for.
It’s about taking these chances, learning what I like and don’t like, and finding myself somewhere in the midst of it all.
Driven By Daydreams 